poka bean

true story

True story.
In 7th grade I had to be rescued by a lifeguard while I was wearing a vegetable print bathing suit. (If that doesn’t sound like much to you, I suggest you re-read that first sentence while paying particularly close attention to the words “7th grade” and “vegetable print bathing suit.”)

It was my class’ end-of-the-year beach party. I was in need of a new bathing suit so mother dearest took me to Marshall’s the night before the party in hopes to find a bargain. Regrettably, though, my 7th grade “not a girl, not yet a woman” physique prevented any of the choice bathing suits from fitting properly so mom kept bringing me other options to try until we came across one that fit.

Yep, you guessed it…the vegetable print bathing suit. In hideous, 70s wallpaper shades of green, orange, white, and brassy reds (you know, for the tomatoes), this one-piece doozie was a far cry from the feminine look I had in mind. (Okay, so it had a couple splashes of deep purple where eggplant peaked through the bounty of onions, carrots, and broccoli, but that totally doesn’t count.) To this day, I would like to break the nose of the fool that thought to manufacture this little number in the perfect size for a junior high girl.

For some reason, this bathing suit seemed to please my mother greatly. Probably because the price was right and it made me MUCH less desirable prey for the junior high boys but neither of these reasons occurred to me at the time. All I knew was that it was my only choice and if I wanted to please my mom (a skill I learned at an early age and have spent the better part of my life perfecting) I had to get the suit. Besides, who was really going to notice anyway??

The answer to that question is quite simple: Everyone.
I went to the beach party wearing the vegetable bathing suit and went swimming with friends. When we all decided to head back in, I swam hard but didn’t seem to get anywhere. A lifeguard swam out to rescue me and pulled me to shore where I found a large gathering of classmates staring and laughing (at both my near-drowning incident AND the bathing suit, of course). The lifeguard claimed I was caught in a rip tide. I’m still not sure that was the case but was grateful for his very official proclamation since it protected me from the alternative…exposing the fact that I’m a terrible swimmer would’ve been really put my embarrassment over the edge.

Needless to say, this was a rough way to end 7th grade. So why tell this story NOW? After all these years? Well, I’ve only recently been able to confess it to my closest friends and to my mother (who, by the way, claims to have no recollection of the offending suit and acted quite wounded when I recounted all the ways it scarred me.) But finally confessing made me realize how good I really had it. While most junior highers were dealing with divorcing parents, identity crises, getting mixed up with the wrong crowd, etc., I was dealing with the vegetable bathing suit. Just me and a piece of nylon material printed with a thorough cross-section of produce from your neighborhood grocery store.

That, my friends, is the best introduction I can think to give you to my pretty, sweet life.

Posted by Poka Bean at 5:29 PM