poka bean

strategic living: the finer points of peaceful coexistence

After rooming with my best friend for over 5 years now, we have ironed out the nitty gritty of roommate living and established a basic "if it needs to be done, do it...if it needs to be cleaned, clean it" approach. Like grandma says, it really does seem to come out in the wash.

But as with all good rules, there are exceptions to this one, and they are very important to know. If there's one thing I've learned about peacefully coexisting, it's that it often boils down to leverage. I don't mean keeping score, I mean strategy. Let me explain.

Exception #1: I always take out the trash.
This particular household chore does not fall under the "if it needs to be done, do it" category because Emily simply doesn't do it. She "clams up" and "doesn't know what to do" when the trash can is full. I think it's kind of like stage fright, only with garbage. Or maybe she felt a certain kinship with Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout in elementary school and decided to take her lifestyle to heart. I'm not really sure.

In any case, Emily claims to be "bad at" taking trash bags out to the dumpster. (Translation: She missed the giant 6'x15' opening once about 4 years ago when attempting to heave a big bag into it and therefore feels she lacks the skills to successfully complete this task in the future.)

Terrible excuses, right? WRONG. Please keep reading.

Exception #2: I don't do electronics.
When it comes to setting up the DVD player, the VCR, the TV, the stereo, etc. and particularly when it comes to pushing the appropriate buttons in the appropriate sequence on any number of our remote controls to operate said electronics, I am out for the count. This is Emily's domain. She is a (lovable, moderately OCD) freak and actually likes to read manuals on these kinds of things so they're all hers.

For the most part, I'm a pretty smart girl so it's no secret that if I really had to, I could figure out our household electronics. But because I really don't want to, I get to play dumb. Just like Emily and the trash.

See what I mean? Leverage.

Now, some of you might be thinking that, based on the illustration I have just provided, I'm getting the raw end of the deal. Stinky, rotten garbage vs. clean, sleek electronics may seem like a no brainer, but do not be deceived. This is where strategy comes in. Since I'm pretty indifferent about the trash removal chore, I choose to assume responsibility for it so I can strategically get off the hook from doing other things that I'd rather not do.

Without pulling out the exhaustive language from the Official Roommate Code Book, Volume I on Exceptions #3-#97, here are a few more examples to make sure you get my point:

I kill the bugs and spiders and clean up the cat barf; Emily thinks up genius things to make for dinner when we only have 6.5 items in the frige and half are moldy. I typically load and unload the dishwasher; Emily cleans out the huge stack of magazines we get each month and is responsible for building and monitoring fires in the fireplace. I do most of the grocery shopping and write the rent check; Emily writes the checks for our utility bills. I water the plants; Emily monitors our living room decor and refrigerator door to make sure they are minimalistic in nature and clutter-free, respectively.

Of course, there are exceptions to these exceptions because we often blur the lines and pick up the slack for each other when needed, but for the most part, these are our standard living procedures. Our SLP's.

We've lived together so long that all of our married friends joke we're like husband and wife. (I'm always the husband in this scenario which is very bothersome, but that's a topic for another time.) We usually laugh or roll our eyes at this joke but I'm really beginning to hope my own marriage will work this well.

And also that I can pass off the trash and bug-killing duties to my future husband in exchange for a few better ones, but that's neither here nor there.

Posted by Poka Bean at 4:29 PM