poka bean

pitfall

About a week ago, Jon made a sniffing sweep near my armpits and said, "Did you put deodorant on this morning?" When I responded, "Yes, of course" his immediate reply was:

"Did it fail you?"

Now most of you know Jon enjoys pointing out how much worse I usually smell than he does -- me the dainty, feminine half of our relationship, he the hyper-masculine, outdoorsy athlete -- but I'm not convinced the driving force behind this brutal comment was his usual desire to brag about his superior essence.

I fear he may have simply been telling the cold hard truth.

So albeit reluctantly, thus began my quest for new deodorant. I ventured to the drug store this week in search of a new pit protector. I thoroughly examined the packaging of every option on the shelf, read the back of countless tubes, and pulled off the lids to smell them all, even the "Lilac Bloom", "Orchid Fresh", and "Peaches and Cream" types that I DO NOT endorse. (Who wants their underarms to smell like dessert anyway?) But ultimately I was not impressed with the selection and decided to stick with what I've got. Besides, maybe Jon just caught a bad whiff at the end of a long day. Surely it wasn't THAT bad.

Ah, denial. 'Tis a sweet, sweet thing. Or a sweeter smelling thing than B.O., at the very least.

Last night when Jon picked me up for dinner and leaned in to kiss me hello, he scrunched up his face and said, "Abby, I really think it's time." I told him I had looked for a new brand but none of them seemed right. If he wanted me to get different deodorant, he was going to have to step up to the plate and pick it out himself.

Bad idea.

We went to the drug store and eventually emerged with Jon's pick. Now, I will grant you that it does smell FANTASTIC but that is because it smells just like JON. Yes, that's correct...I bought the very same deodorant that my alpha male fiancé uses. Men's deodorant. Strong men's deodorant. Strong men's deodorant whose packaging actually reads "CLEAN MASCULINE SCENT"...the infamous Speed Stick Fresh Scent that I have long praised him for using because it is a positively intoxicating soapy smell on his skin.

But on me? I'm not so sure.

I brought it home last night and nervously shared the news with Emily. She was in bed reading and asked to smell the new specimen in order to better judge so I handed it over. She took one whiff and immediately rolled over and proceeded to snuggle with it. In fact, I might go so far as to say they were spooning. Suggestively. I cannot think of any better way to put "clean masculine scent" in perspective for you.

I think she also said something like, "Maybe ALL women should wear men's deodorant. Then other women would think we smell like men and respect us and other men would think we smell like equals and treat us as such."

But seeing that it was very late and we are incapable of holding cohesive conversations and controlling our laughter after bedtime, we quickly got off topic and into a giggle haze. In between clutching my gut with laughter over her description of a simpleton she met recently as someone who (she stated with disgust) "like, rides horses and doesn't watch TV," and rolling on the floor over my apparent ignorance about the difference between a seismograph and the Richter Scale (who knew?), my recollection of her all-women-should-wear-men's-deodorant theory is fuzzy at best.

Suffice it to say, however, I've already been wearing my Speed Stick Fresh Scent for three good hours today and have so far seen no results to prove any truth to her hypothesis. Neither male nor female has regarded me one bit differently, a fact that both relieves and disappoints me.

Nonetheless, I got into to work this morning and emailed Jon...
I smell like old man but I love it!

He wrote back...
Your pits should not smell like any old man, they should smell like your fiancé. It's kind of like I peed all over you to mark my territory. I see how those youth interns look at you at work!

Sneaky little bastard.

Posted by Poka Bean at 9:20 AM