Thursday, May 18, 2006

i beg of you

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SEND SOMEONE MONK-E-MAIL. you will thank me.
http://www.careerbuilder.com/monk-e-mail/

Posted by Poka Bean at 4:01 PM 2 comments

help me help you

Over the last few days I've sat down several times to post something only to discover I have absolutely nothing to say. I have a great desire to write but nothing to write about. I hate being in this place. Things are kind of blah for me right now...not bad, just not noteworthy.

I will say, however, that paying $3.69 per gallon for gas is quite possibly giving me an ulcer. It's enough to make me want to wave a giant middle finger at everyone in the world, including babies and grandmas and priests and bunnies. No one is exempt from my gas-price fury! MIDDLE FINGERS EVERYWHERE!!

On the contrary, there are a number of things in my life that are bringing me tremendous joy these days. Take, for example, the new roundabout that was recently installed at the nearest cross-street to our home. I love it. I love the tree planted in the middle of it, I love the landscaping all around it and most of all, I love mocking the idiots who don't know how to drive through it. It's like our neighborhood's very own circular circus. WHAT PART OF "YIELD TO TRAFFIC IN CIRCLE" IS NOT EXPLICITLY CLEAR? It's not rocket science. Just go to your right and don't hit anyone, okay?

Also bringing me great joy these days is my garden, flourishing under the tender loving care of my total ignorance and my hose. Honestly, I am so clueless but it's the craziest thing...if you water stuff, it actually grows! Nothing in my garden is dying! Okay, well there are a few things that don't really appear to be GROWING but they aren't exactly DEAD so I think this counts. At this rate, we will surely be enjoying a lovely summer harvest. You will all be invited over for dinner. (BYOC...Bring Your Own Chair.)

Well sure enough, I was right. I really didn't have anything to write about after all. I told you so! Well, to those of you who have waded through the meaningless fodder thus far and are still reading this post, I give you a job: leave me a comment with suggestions on something to write about to help get me out of my blogging slump. Consider it inspiration for me and an investment in your future...a real win-win.

Posted by Poka Bean at 3:30 PM 3 comments

Monday, May 08, 2006

because it's true what they say: sex sells

This weekend Jon and I were driving to my parents' house IN SUBURBIA when suddenly we noticed two busty, bikini-clad women on the street corner IN SUBURBIA holding up fluorescent posters advertising a car wash IN SUBURBIA. Did I mention this was IN SUBURBIA? On a chilly, overcast day?

I laughed out loud. Must be some local fundraiser for Hooters, I thought. Or the sleazy sports bar down the street.

But no.

As the light changed and we got close enough to read the signs we learned the truth:

CAR WASH TO BENEFIT
THE LEUKEMIA SOCIETY

Now I ask you, are the scandalous bikini ladies really necessary for this? I repeat, this is IN SUBURBIA. Last I checked, bikini-clad models aren't exactly a part of the tug-at-the-leukemia-heartstrings equation. But hey, what do I know. I just work at a church.

Posted by Poka Bean at 3:57 PM 1 comments

Sunday, May 07, 2006

a month in retrospect: do's & don'ts learned in april '06

DO take the dog to the beach more.
DONT' let the dog drink large amounts of salt water so that she later becomes violently ill with diarrhea all over the house.

DO take your gym bag to work with you and change before you leave the office, thus tricking yourself into always going on your way home.
DON'T leave your gym bag in the back seat of your car in front of your house overnight where some hoodlum might spot it and think it is a purse and therefore smash in your back window in order to steal it.

DO hire a professional to do your taxes and give you tax advice.
DON'T hire a first-class a$$hole who insults you in your own home and then mails a note to your husband who wasn't home during the tax appointment that says, "Jon, I explained to your wife why you owe so much money but sometimes this tax business gets confusing so please call me if you have any questions." thus insinuating that you are a royal blond idiot who doesn't understand English and cannot possibly have intelligently explained everything to your husband yourself.

DO stew over the first-class a$$hole tax guy for a few weeks and mutter curses at him under your breath because he deserves it.
DON'T forget to stew over the first-class a$$hole tax guy for a few weeks and mutter curses at him under your breath because he deserves it.

DO take a week off with your husband over his Spring Break and enjoy long days at the beach during the random stint of hot, sunny weather in the middle of April.
DON'T get sunburned.

DO watch an entire season of The O.C. on dvd in one week's time.
DON'T underestimate your husband's viewing capacity for cheesy, smutty teen dramas and assume he will roll his eyes and make gagging noises whenever you turn it on. Shortly you will come home to find him watching an episode without you.

Posted by Poka Bean at 10:31 AM 3 comments