Thursday, June 23, 2005

yes. for the millionth time, YES.

It’s the funniest thing. I’m getting married in 15 days and people keep asking me, “Are you getting excited?” DUH! What the heck do you think? I’m about to pull an Oedipus and gouge my eyes out? I’m more distraught than the day I learned that tortilla chips are FRIED, not baked? (GASP!) I am crying myself to sleep every night out of fear and dread?

Uh, no.

NEWSFLASH, folks. OF COURSE I’M EXCITED. I’ve been excited since Christmas. You know, when he proposed.

I know people are just sharing in our joy and making conversation but I just find the whole thing amusing. It’s like saying, “You just won $500 million dollars. Are you excited?”

NO!! I’M SO DOWN ON MY LUCK. WOE IS ME! I AM DESTITUTE. I WILL HAVE TO SCAVENGE ON THE STREETS AND SLEEP IN THE GUTTER FOREVER. I HAVE THE WORST LIFE AND NO CARDBOARD OR PENS TO EVEN MAKE A SIGN ABOUT IT. I AM HOPELESS. I AM FINISHED. I AM DOOMED!

Posted by Poka Bean at 9:17 AM 5 comments

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

i propose a contest

I cannot bear the burden of this annoyance on my own any longer. Can someone, anyone, PLEASE crack the code of my neighbor's indecipherable personalized license plate for me?

What in the name of all things sacred is ISONOMY supposed to mean?

I am at my witt's end. I have walked by it twice a day for the last two and a half years and wracked my brain over what it could possibly mean but still, I've got NOTHING. Just a million different ways to pronounce those seven stupid letters but not a single guess as to what they're supposed to say.

And I have no idea who the car belongs to so I can't even ask, although at this point maybe that's a good thing. I'm not so sure saying "Hi, nice to meet you. WHAT THE HECK DOES YOUR STUPID LICENSE PLATE MEAN?" makes for the most amicable first impression with the neighbors.

So if anyone out there can help me, I beg of you. PLEASE. Speak up. And to sweeten the pot (as though outsmarting my two-and-a-half-year quest for knowledge isn't prize enough), the first person to crack the code will get a quarter.*

*Maybe. My mom used to promise that the first person in our family to find the bay leaf in the spaghetti sauce would get a quarter but I have to warn you, she rarely repaid in full and it's true what they say about the apple not falling far from the tree. And that makes total sense because neither trees nor apples deal in American currency, guys, so they don't exactly carry around quarters. Duh! I mean, what did you expect??

Posted by Poka Bean at 4:30 PM 4 comments

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

you betta' reconize



Either you recognize my nephew is the most perfect, scrumptious, precious thing on earth or you are dead inside. Don't be dead inside, okay?

P.S. Special kudos to Bearca for the particularly excellent fauxhawk. And no, I did not misspell the title of this post. 'Tis to be read phonetically.

Posted by Poka Bean at 1:12 PM 3 comments

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

regarding that which i have already mentioned

A number of things have come up this week that harken back to topics I have written about on this site so I've decided to update you on them all at once:

1. Found out today that the out of order bathroom note leaver lady here at work has a bachelors degree, two masters degrees and a doctorate. This explains why she is far too important and busy to call the Maintenance department and report that the toilet is broken. Obviously she only has but enough precious time to scribble a note and leave it behind for us lesser-educated potty-using minions.

2. Jon has officially given me permission to call him by a bonafide term of endearment. OF HIS OWN VOLITION. And not just ANY term of endearment but my personal FAVORITE: Love. He doesn't wince when I say it, he doesn't even just grin and bear it. Folks, he actually LIKES it. I don't know what brought this change of heart but I am not asking questions. Why argue over being made whole again?

3. Got my first angry comment on this site. To 777 I would like to say I'm sorry you felt my expose on the memorial bumper sticker was unjust but if you had more carefully read what I wrote, you would have realized that I was pleading for someone to explain the reasoning behind this act to me, not simply to disparage it. You would have realized that I didn't intend to offend anyone or sound vicious but that I simply do not understand these adhesive memorials. Perhaps you could shed a little light? Doubtful since you will not likely ever revisit my site although, of course, you are always welcome back.

4. Lastly and most importantly, I must report that the unthinkable has been found. Concrete proof. Actual evidence. Ladies and gentlemen, I am officially in posession of a photograph of me wearing the infamous vegetable bathing suit. I'm not quite ready to show this to the world - it's too painful - but if and when I decide to take the plunge, I promise that you, my faithful readers, will be the first to know.

Posted by Poka Bean at 3:05 PM 2 comments